Saturday, March 26, 2011

Dating advice? On a blog?? WE COULD RULE THE WORLD!

Come one come all! To the first instalment of Helyetica’s very own dating advice column! You read right folks, I am starting my own dating advice column. Why you ask? Well the answer is simple really; being as I browse these jokes of websites run and owned by major Melbourne newspapers, I am subjected to the horrible excuse that passes for dating advice in this day and age.
Make no mistake, I hate dating advice writers as much as any person with an IQ higher than single digits, they are a blight on today’s society and somehow dictate the rules of ‘the dating game’. Upon viewing today’s reading material, this humble (read: opinionated) young man has had enough of this bullshit. Stash Box's very own ‘dating advice column’ is dedicated to the drawing and quartering of modern dating advice funneled down our throats by the fucking idiots at and (the Herald Sun website) who seem to think that modern society doesn’t have enough ills bringing it down already.  

So let’s get down to the brass tacks shall we? Today’s contestant is a surprisingly attractive dating columnist who goes by the name of Samantha Brett. She is the resident dating ‘expert’ at The one whom the editors have deemed fit to tell mostly clueless, horny, middle aged women (and a bunch of beta bitch boys) how to hook up with the opposite sex, as well as give her two slutty cents about anything else to do with sex, relationships and life as a woman in general. Sounds like a real riot right? Read some of her stuff and you’ll see exactly what I mean.
The notes for today are not about dating per se, but rather the ‘empowerment’ of women in modern society. As always, read your notes kids!

The title of the article will already give you some insight as to what will be discussed in the article, namely ‘loose girls’, or, what the good people here at Stash Box like to refer to as ‘sluts’.

“The other day I heard an interesting interview on the radio with a woman who described herself as having spent her youth "hopping from one man's bed to another"

The beginning of this article serves not only to introduce the issue of women behaving like whores, but also to give us an insight into modern media. This is the kind of tripe that pollutes the air waves when you aren’t being ear-raped by the very latest bullshit track from unapologetically slutty chicks like Ke$ha or Rihanna. How does that make you feel people? What’s that? I can’t hear you over the brain dead moaning coming from your motionless body. Listen to too much radio and this is what will really happen to you, heed the warning children.

“Of course, any woman who has casual sex with a man she's not in a relationship with will know all too well that, on the night, while she might feel closer to the dude she's bonking (physically, emotionally, even spiritually!), the next morning when the booze has worn off, the pheromones have died down and she's no longer looking as hot as she did the night before, he's (most of the time) no longer that into her.”

Where do I start? Sam suggests that any woman who sluts it out with a man WILL know that the morning after the dude will not be so interested. “No longer looking as hot as she did before” can be interpreted as code for: when she looks like Courtney Love, has cockbreath (like Courtney Love) and sounds more like a man than the dude she just bumped uglies with (Hole anyone?). Readers, how do you think you would feel either being greeted by this image, or heaven forbid, EMBODYING this image? It’s not rocket science folks, really now.

 "Don't be scurred girl. OWN that sexuality. WORK those oral herpes"

Hilarious yet filthy images aside, this poses two problems. Firstly, if these women truly know this, as the author states, what does this say about modern women? Does this sound like empowering knowledge for a woman to you? Secondly, if they don’t actually know this, as I think a lot of modern women don’t, then what the hell must be going through her mind?

This leads me to my next talking point; alcohol. “The next morning when the booze has worn off”, writes Sam, giving another unintended, yet startling insight into modern Western culture. This is the world we live in, children. A world where it is automatically assumed that any sort of late night romp you have must be fueled by alcohol. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the accuracy of this claim. Having been a leading proponent of this kind of behaviour myself, I am inclined to weep, WEEP FOR WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
Many today wonder what has happened to the youth of today and indeed, the adults too, where alcohol is blamed for so much of society’s ills. This is your culture people, this is so deeply ingrained into everyday life that people are starting to see past alcohol as a problem in itself, and look for other reasons why people are so fucked up and stupid these days. The passing, off-the-cuff manner in which booze is mentioned her only solidifies my point.    

“…while women are entitled to the same physical pleasures as men, society still frowns upon a gal who owns her own sexuality, has sex like a man would and forgets to call him the following day, if ever again. And therein lie the double standards.”

Dear ol’ Yeti, why must you always disagree with the professionals?
Yes, you may think that you are entitled to the same physical pleasures as men, but one look at any one point in history will dash your ridiculous hopes and dreams of being the town bike. Sad, I know, but there is hope for you yet, young sluttawan, if only you BELIEVE in your abilities as a whore.
The sad fact for all you hoes out there is that there is no double standard at work, this is just some more shit that is being fed to you by new age femenists that believe men are useless and demand more than equal rights. Read the fucking links and you will see why.

“CHAUVENIST PIG!” I hear you all yelling, well to you I say; shut the fuck up and listen. There is no double standard because women are sexually worth more than men. It is a basic instinct for me(n) to want to go out and fuck as many females as possible, it’s fucking science people. Women, however, must weigh up all the options before finally settling on a mate, because as we all know, it takes me(n) one night to achieve this goal, sometimes more than once (ask about me), but women will bear the effects for 9 months. 
 In terms of society frowning upon sluts, you reap what you sow. You have built this society yourselves, you girls who call other girls sluts have created your own barriers against having the cake and eating it too. You can’t have it both ways ladies. Your Western institution of marriage is a stuffy old concept which has borne the hellspawn that is known as modern divorce law.

If any of you have ever watched ‘Two and a Half Men”, you will be familiar with the character of ‘Alan’, the resident beta bitch boy. He is subject to divorce law which forces him to pay alimony to his colder-than-a-witch-tit harpy of an ex-wife, Judith. If you care to pay enough attention, you will realise that this law creates the premise of the entire show. Alan is legally kicked out of the house that he bought with his own money by his wife, and this forces him to live with his brother Charlie. Without this ridiculous law - which forces Alan to work his ass off every day to make enough money to give to Judith so that she can live without having to work or pay for anything - the show would not exist. Keep in mind that before Charlie Sheen decided to go on a winning spree, this was the most popular show in the US by far.

YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO YOURSELVES. By letting this bullshit happen, you have effectively branded yourselves sluts, because without divorce and the accompanying laws, the concept of marriage might still be pure. This might force people to actually consider what they are getting into through critical thinking, and not just spur of the moment marriages because you fucked one time and he bought you dinner. Vegas anyone?

Too bad this uni student has homework and has to postpone the rest of this article for another time.

Until then,

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